When I Was Younger I Wish I’d Known…

This week I’m in conversation with a girlfriend about things we wish we’d known when we were younger. Leave a comment below, tell me what you wish you’d known.


Best Knickers Always Video Blog

Here’s this weeks Vlog, an introduction to those of you who don’t really know me…..


Roots and Wings Video Blog

Today I wished my son and his girlfriend a bon voyage at London Heathrow airport as they begin their life in Singapore.

The Power of Self Talk + My Love/Hate Relationship with my Nike Trainers

Here’s a short video on self talk….you know that voice that is running constantly in the background!

Leave a comment and let me know what your ‘thing’ is.

Show Don’t Tell | How to Create an Irresistible Dating Profile

Changing the Face of Dating Profiles.

Most online dating profiles are deadly boring right? Why? Because most people, once they register on a site, just want to fill in the blank spaces of the template as quickly as possible, so they can begin actually dating.

Irresistible Dating Profile

It’s also likely that you’re registered on more than one site which means that you’re faced with a number of blank templates to complete.

The typical solution to the dilemma? Copy/paste.

The result: drab, unoriginal profiles that tend to look a lot the same.

Your profile doesn’t have to be that way! No! Yours will be the profile playing the movie trailer….


So, what would it be like to create an irresistible profile?

You’ll be treating your online dating identity as an important experiment. You’ll be using your presence on several different sites to try out profiles that are different from one another. In fact, each profile will place a different aspect of your personality – a different persona – in the spotlight.

And you will not actually be telling much about yourself. Telling is boring. Anyone can waffle on about themselves, and that’s not too sexy. Every writer knows the maxim, Show, don’t tell! 

I’m going to teach you, step by step, how to show intriguing bits of yourself through your words. And, as a result, your profile will NOT drone, “I’m the kind of person that likes to curl up with a good book.”

No! Yours will stand out from the rest.

Sounds good so far?


So what’s involved?

The Steps

Step 1: Identifying + Creating 3 Personas + Usernames

Step 2: Crafting a Headline

Step 3: Writing The Profile Summaries

Step 4: The Five Things I Could Not Do Without

Step 5: What I’m Looking For

Step 6: The Power of the Image

Step 7: The Optional Important Stuff

This programme is for you if:

  • you’re serious in your search for a lasting relationship
  • you’re ready to get creative and challenge yourself
  • you’re prepared to dig deep and take a look at what really matters to you
  • you’re ready to try something different because you’re fed up with your current results

This programme is not for you if:

  • you’re expecting me to do the work and write your profile 😉
  • you want a quick fix to your profile
  • you don’t like spending time thinking about what you really want
  • you say you’re adamant you can’t write and won’t write!

How much will it cost and how does it work?

There are 2 options:

3 Hours Intensive

The cost of this programme is £300 and includes:

  • a full morning or afternoon spent at The Hoxton in Shoreditch
  • pre meet up homework so that we get the most out of the time together
  • work through and brainstorm all the steps in the programme so that you have the outline you’re delighted with for your Irresistible Dating Profile
  • some pretty intensive coaching
  • tea, coffee, brunch or afternoon tea included
  • Lots of motivation and cheerleading from me keeping you on track and inspired
  • A very special offer with the award winning Saturday Night’s Alright for your profile pictures
  • An incredible offer from eHarmony – a massive 60% discount off your membership for 6 months


Skype and Email

The cost of this programme is £250 and includes:

  • 2 x 30 minutes one to one coaching with me via Skype or FaceTime – one before Step 1 and one during Step 3
  • Steps sent through one at a time at a pace to suit you
  • Unlimited email support as you work your way through the steps
  • Lots of motivation and cheerleading keeping you on track and inspired
  • An additional exercise helping you uncover your values and what’s important to you
  • A very special offer with the award winning Saturday Night’s Alright for your profile pictures
  • An incredible offer from eHarmony – a massive discount off your membership for 6 months

What next?

If you like what you’ve read so far and have some further questions before you decide to go ahead  then don’t hesitate to get in touch with me info@rebperkins.com. I very much look forward to hearing from you.

When Was The Last Time You Did Something For The First Time?

I was putting some thoughts together for my upcoming ebook on dealing with the invisibility that many of us feel in midlife and I came across this question…

Does lacking in confidence now mean that you’ll never do anything risky, adventurous or challenging ever again? 

And it got me thinking. You see, I’ve been putting off doing something for a very, very long time. In fact my youngest set it for me as my New Year’s Resolution and it’s taken me 6 weeks to do it! But I did do it and I wanted to share it with you.

I posted this video on my Facebook page and was incredibly nervous in doing so! I got some wonderful feedback and an old school friend has now set ‘doing something for the very first time‘ as a challenge for her friends.

So how about you? Are you up for this challenge too? What have you been putting off doing for for the first time because you see yourself as too old/overweight/unfit/set in your ways/tired/overwhelmed…..?

Join in the challenge and post your comments below or on my Facebook page. Let’s show ourselves that we’ve definitely still got what it takes to rise to a challenge and live the second half of our life on purpose!

My next challenge is to make a weekly video and create my own YouTube channel! You can subscribe here….and watch it grow!


Alternative Resolutions….because the usual ones just don’t work!

New Year's Resolutions...AgainWhat if instead of setting the usual soon-to-be-broken New Year’s Resolutions this year, what if you looked at it in a different way?

What are the biggest resolutions people set? Weight loss? Getting fit? Finding love? Giving up smoking? Drinking less? Guess what, by the end of the January, sadly most will have fallen by the wayside. No diet, no going to the gym, cigarettes and booze.

So let’s look at this from a different perspective

Instead why not ask yourself this question.

How do I want to feel in 2015?

(Don’t underestimate the power held within these few words.)

Open your journal and write. Let it all come pouring out.

When you’ve written as much as you can (and then some more) ask these questions.

What step can I take today to move me in the direction of how I want to feel?

What do I need to stop doing or let go of in order to feel how I want to feel?

What or who is standing in the way of  how I want to feel?


And now for something a little different. When was the last time you allowed yourself to daydream? Is it something you do regularly? Why not set aside some time to listen to the audio below. It just might open your mind to what’s possible for you in 2015.



Click “play” to listen to Rebecca speaking about Blue Sky Thinking :

Or you can right-click to download it to your computer: Audio



So how was it for you? Was 2014 a good year or one you’re happy to leave behind?

Reflection on 2014Do you have any rituals for the end of the year? Do you take any time to review how the past year went or do the years simply blend from one into another without pause?

I think it’s a good thing to do and it’s something I encourage my clients to do. It’s a valuable exercise to take some time in silence with a journal and your thoughts reflecting  back over the year that has passed. It’s good to be mindful and take stock. Our lives pass by so very quickly and there is value in stopping to think for a short while.

I make a ritual of it. I block some time out in my diary when no one is around, make myself some tea, have a warm house, burn my favourite candles, play some gentle music in the background, open up my journal and let my thoughts flow out onto the page.

If you’ve not done this before, here are some questions for you to consider as we say goodbye to 2014. I’ll offer you some different questions in my next post if you’re fed up of making and not keeping resolutions for the new year.

  • What went really well this year?
  • Where have I surprised myself this year?
  • What have I learned this year?
  • What is working well in my life and why?
  • How will I reward myself for things that went well this year?
  • Where did I struggle this year? What did I learn from it?
  • What could I have done differently?
  • What have I been grateful for this year?
  • How am I different this year from last?
  • What were my greatest challenges?
  • What did I complete?
  • What inspired me this year?
  • What did I enjoy most?
  • If there was a theme for 2014, how would I describe it? (eg a year of consolidation, taking risks, trust, releasing, upheaval….)

Choose some of these questions to answer. Some will resonate, others will not. Take care of the ones you avoid….they just might be the ones you need to answer!

Let me know how you get on.


The Irresistible Saskia Nelson aka Saturday Night’s Alright

For those of you following me on Facebook you’ll no doubt have noticed that I’m just a little excited at the moment. You know how sometimes you meet someone and just know that you’re going to be great friends (it happened with my friend Maureen whom I met on Twitter!). There’s instant chemistry, you’re on the same wavelength….you’re almost finishing each other’s sentences. Yes? Well this is what happened the first time Saskia Nelson and I met for a coffee in Soho.

So, I’d like to formally introduce you to Saskia the talent behind the UK’s only dating photography business, Saturday Night’s Alright. She is sassy and brilliant and uber talented and she and I have something very cool planned for early 2015 if you’re single and fed up of getting nowhere with online dating.

Saskia Nelson

Saskia Nelson

Here’s my interview with Saskia when I spoke to her earlier this week about issues that affect us midlife women!

I’ve also included ACTUAL photographs of REAL woman who stepped out of their comfort zones to have their photographs taken by her. Aren’t they great?!


You made a career change just as you were heading into midlife. Tell me what brought it about and how much of a risk did it feel at the time?

I had had a very tough job in the voluntary sector at the point when I changed my career. The projects were a bit high profile (a test event in the Olympic Park, providing the Mayor with the only London Ambassador pod to be manned by local east London young people etc) so adrenalin and some great successes helped keep me going but by the beginning of 2013, I was worn down, stressed out and exhausted and needed to take time out to do something for me. I handed in my notice on the spur of the moment but during my three month notice period, I devised a plan to set up my own photography business which had been at the back of my mind for a while. (I had drafted up a rough business plan a year earlier).

It totally felt like a risk but one that I knew I needed to take. I remember feeling that I was going to reach burnout if I didn’t take action and I knew burnout wasn’t a place I ever wanted to go to.

photo credit: Saturday Night's Alright

photo credit: Saturday Night’s Alright

One thing that lessened the risk for me was the living situation with my boyfriend. A year or two earlier, while my job was still going really well we had put in an offer on a gorgeous dream house that we were looking forward to moving in to. It all fell through at the last hurdle but I do think that is what saved me in the end. We decided to stay in our small flat instead and this then gave me the flexibility to go it alone. To this day, I thank my lucky stars that the house fell through. I’m pretty sure I’d be living in a big, beautiful Victorian house but stuck in a job that was wearing me down, how sad that would have been? Luckily my boyfriend (who I spotted on Guardian Soulmates!) shares the same values as me so he was totally happy to sacrifice living in nice house to support me to do my thing.


Many women tell me that they are too old to try something new and that they feel they’re past it as far as setting up a business or even changing direction within their career. What would you say to them?

What would I say to them? Well, I would say don’t use age as an excuse not to do something. If you are going to use age as an excuse for anything it should be an excuse for doing that thing that scares you. Why the hell not? I have a trick that I use whenever I’m feeling too old for something, I remind myself of  DJ Mamy Rock. Have you heard of her? She blows me away. I think it’s important to find some role models for everything you try in life and she is one of mine – for three reasons

 1/ she embraced style and didn’t allow her age to dictate her look

photo credit: Saturday Night's Alright

photo credit: Saturday Night’s Alright

2/ she reinvented herself from a housewife into an international DJ!

3/ she never let age get in the way of anything

For these reasons she has been my hero for a while now. Sadly she died this year, but that is even more of a reason to stop fretting about being too old to do something you want to do, and just get on and do it.

 Check her out here: http://www.mamyrock.com/

 I love this quote about her so much – “Hipster culture is having a senior moment” – Los Angeles Times

 I also love Iris Apfel for her style and the fact that major labels want her to model for them and represent their brand – and pay no attention to how old she might be. Her personality and looks surpass age. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Iris-Apfel/30792291021

There are so many role models these days of mid-lifers doing it for themselves, I truly believe the women of our generation are transforming what it means to reach mid-life. {click to tweet} I get quite excited when I read about mid-lifers and older women embracing their age and reinventing themselves. Off the top of my head, I love Madonna, Neneh Cherry, Julianne Moore, Ida Keeling, Grace Jones, Ellen Von Unwerth, Helen Mirren, Judi Dench etc. I find them so inspiring and I keep them in mind whenever I think I might be too old to do something.


photo credit: Saturday Night's Alright

photo credit: Saturday Night’s Alright

What do you find is the biggest fear amongst midlife men and women when it comes to dating?

I think for women, the biggest fear is being able to find someone who wants to date someone of their age. What kept me going was the thought that I certainly wouldn’t want to date a guy who only wants to date someone ten years younger than himself. This encouraged me to keep going until I found someone who would value someone of my age. I had to keep at it quite a few years but I got there in the end!

To be honest I’m not sure what the biggest fears are for midlife men – I don’t think the ones I work with open up about this in the same way that women do. If I had to guess, I think some of them might feel a bit intimidated by successful women. But then who wouldn’t!  LOL!


What are your top tips for feeling at ease when an enormous lens is being pointed at your face?

 Ahh, I’m the worst person to ask because I hate being in front of an enormous lens. I think my top tip would be to find a photographer that you feel you can connect with. The most important part of my job is getting to know people in a short space of time and helping them relax and open up to me and my camera. Luckily I’m pretty good at doing this as I have a very high success rate at getting clients to relax. About 90% of them go away saying that although they were dreading the shoot, they actually enjoyed themselves – this is the absolute highlight of my job. I smile for days after comments like this.

photo credit: Saturday Night's Alright

photo credit: Saturday Night’s Alright


You were recognised by the UK Dating Awards and are shortlisted for a Global Award, what’s that feel like?

It feels amazing actually. I’ve been on a real high ever since. I have worked so hard this year with very few days off so to be able to look back at 2014 and see that I have been recognised by the UK industry but also the global dating industry is so exciting and makes all those weeks of working 6 or 7 days a week shooting, editing and blogging worthwhile.


What makes for a great dating profile picture?

The best dating photos for your profile are natural looking ones that capture you looking relaxed and happy. An added bonus would be if the picture gives away clues about your personality – it could be the Converse you’re wearing, the location you’re photographed in, something that you’re holding, a band t-shirt you’re showcasing – if you can use your photos to give out some visual clues about who you are, then you’ve nailed it.IMG_0458modc


What’s in the pipeline for 2015 and beyond?

Well, I have lots of exciting things planned for 2015 – launching a new offer called Irresistible Dating Profile with you Rebecca is right up there as a big exciting highlight. We are like a dreamteam, a match made in heaven with our complimentary set of skills – we have such a unique offer it’s going to be exciting to see where this takes us.

I’m also planning on expanding Saturday Night’s Alright to Manchester in the first instance and then potentially wider round the UK. Many of our clients travel from outside of London so I’m keen to roll out the model I’m using to the wider UK.

 I’m also planning to launch a series of new packages which will include a make-up artist and stylist. I think 2015 is going to be a busy year. I’m kickstarting it with a visit to Las Vegas just in case I win the global award I’ve been nominated for ‘most innovative company’, that would be amazing. But even if I don’t win, I’m keen to raise my profile Stateside as I’d love to take Saturday Night’s Alright global at some point in the future.

photo credit: Saturday Night's Alright

photo credit: Saturday Night’s Alright



Saskia Nelson is the talent behind the award-winning Saturday Night’s Alright, the UK’s only dedicated dating photography business.  She specialises in creating gorgeous photos for her clients to help them build awesome online dating profiles that help tell the story of who they really are.

You can find her here on Twitter  or here on Facebook.


21 Questions: A New Way of Thinking About Your Midlife


Did you know that most people spend more time planning their 2 week summer holiday than they do planning their lives? I guess when I was told that it sadly didn’t come as a huge surprise.

Asking questions is at the very heart of coaching. Coaching is not about telling you what to do. Coaching is about guiding you to find the answers yourself. My philosophy is that you are the expert on your life, not me. My role is to help you uncover those answers.

I’ve created an ebook of 21 questions for you that will be a starting point to begin thinking about your life in a different way.

Some will be straightforward, others will require you to dig deeper. (Note – these are the ones you really need to answer!) Some of them will be very challenging. All of them will ask you to take a good look at your life.

Sound like something you want and are ready to do?

You’ll need a beautiful journal, something that you’ll look forward to writing in. Something large enough so you don’t feel restricted. You’ll also need your favourite pen and an inquisitive and open mind.

What would you attempt to do if you knew you couldnt fail? ~Unknown

Each of the questions is set in an inspiring picture which can be used as a visual reminder.

Each of the questions is explained and expanded on so that you are clear what is being asked.

When you’ve answered all the questions you will have a deeper understanding of where you are in your life, of what you want and in which direction you wish to head.

Are you ready to begin exploring? Head here to download your copy today.

With love always

Rebecca x

Monday Morning Food for Thought – 3rd November 2014

“Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.” ~Cherokee Proverbdesign-8

Guilty as charged on this one my friends. And it’s what I need to read and digest and learn from today. I woke this morning with yesterday’s not so good soundtrack in my head. It’s already wasted some of my day and barged into my morning meditation. I like this Cherokee wisdom, it’s simple and profound. Are you guilty of this too?

Have a very happy Monday
Rebecca x

40 Words of Wisdom for our Children

You are enough - rebperkins.comThis post appeared in the Huffington Post during the summer and resonated with a lot of people. I have been overwhelmed with the feedback I got from it, from teenagers telling me that their father sent it to them and that they loved it, to grandparents telling me that my words meant a lot to them and were still relevant to them today. I’m beyond grateful if there is such a thing.

I’m sharing it here you with my friends in case you didn’t see it. I’ve decided that if I needed a sign then this was it. This blog post will be the basis for my next book…..you heard it here first!


I wanted to give my eldest a different birthday present this year and seeing that ‘words’ are what I do best, I chose to pass on some wisdom that I’ve learned over the years. Who knows whether they’ll be listened to! Would I have listened to my parents at 24? 

Perhaps these are words of wisdom for us all, whatever our age. Perhaps if our children are younger, we can set the intention to parent in such a way that we teach them this wisdom by example.

  1. You are not your job. You are not the amount of cash you have in the bank. You are not your possessions.
  2. Find your passion. Look for what inspires you. Find what you love to do and pursue it with all your heart. You may well find a way how to make money from doing it.
  3. Love hurts. But it is so much better than closing yourself off for fear of being hurt and not experiencing love.
  4. Communication and respect are the foundations for a lasting relationship.
  5. Three things are needed in a relationship — lust, love, and shared values.
  6. Never compare yourself to others. It’s a waste of energy. You are unique and have your own gifts to offer the world.
  7. Look after your health — physical, mental, and spiritual.
  8. Don’t complain. Decide what you will tolerate and get on with life.
  9. Set boundaries — work, family, and friendships.
  10. Little stuff matters — manners get you a long way.
  11. Be grateful. List the things you are grateful for everyday.
  12. Expect to fail. Failure is not fatal. Learn the lessons, then get back up and try again.
  13. Have outrageous dreams. You’ll be amazed at what comes true.
  14. Act with integrity at all times.
  15. Call your parents. They may well have screwed up but they raised you to the best of their abilities.
  16. Know your values. Let no one violate what you hold as important be that a boss or your partner.
  17. You don’t need to have it all worked out. Tomorrow is another day.
  18. Lighten up on yourself. Breathe deeply and slowly.
  19. Listen to your inner dialogue. Would you speak to someone you love in the same way?
  20. Take risks, take leaps of faith. You’ll grow wings.
  21. Be of service to others. Be interested in others. People will always remember what you did for them.
  22. “No” is a complete sentence.
  23. Don’t stress so much over decisions. Decisions needn’t be forever.
  24. Cultivate and nurture friendships. With love and care they can last a lifetime. At the same time don’t be afraid to edit friendships. 
  25. You are enough just as you are. Perfect in your imperfection.
  26. Learn to accept compliments. Simply say ‘thank you’.
  27. Be willing to show that you are vulnerable. It is in fact the greatest act of courage.
  28. You are never alone.
  29. Forgive. Yourself first and then others. We are all in this together.
  30. Your attitude is always a choice.
  31. Laugh a lot. Have fun. 
  32. Magic happens outside your comfort zone.
  33. Learn to love yourself now. It gets harder if you leave it until you’re older.
  34. Don’t worry about what other people think. They think about you a lot less than you imagine.
  35. Follow your intuition. Your guts have the answer. Every time.
  36. Happiness starts within. Do not expect anyone else to make you happy.
  37. Be financially savvy right from the off. Save 10%. Debt is not pretty. Make your own lunch for work. A cappuccino and a sandwich a day soon add up.
  38. Life isn’t a race. Stop and smell the roses. Really.
  39. When overwhelmed ask yourself, “Will this even be an issue in 5 years time?”
  40. Change happens. It’s one of the great certainties in life. Learn to roll with it.


Maithri Goonetilleke + How to Inspire Teenagers

IMG_8233My boy returned from school on Friday following their weekly Lower Sixth lecture from ‘a man, mum, who talks about the same stuff as you,…maybe you’re not so weird after all.’

I worry at times (the down and self doubting times) that I’m not equipping my children for the hard slog of reality in this tough world. I know I’m someone who lives with their head in the clouds (some call it la la land), I know my feet are not often on the ground. I know I look for the positive in everything. And I know that irritates the hell out of some people as I watch them roll their eyes. I also know that it works for me (and others if they’d allow it). I’m used to and enjoy the gentle, playful mocking from my man and my kids.

So imagine my delight!

We sat down and he spoke to me about what he’d learned, what had inspired him and what had resonated deeply with him.

In brief, Maithri Goonetilleke, is the founder and executive director of the NGO Possible Dreams International (PDI), based in Australia and Swaziland. Their work involves delivering medical services and poverty alleviation programs to HIV/AIDS affected areas of rural Swaziland.

He was at my son’s school with The Possible Dreams International Choir who are touring the UK until the end of the month. They provide a place of hope for the homeless and orphans and victims of HIV in Swaziland. It is a choir of empowerment.

Maithri spoke to the boys about courage and commitment, goals and beliefs.

He encouraged them to believe that whatever obstacles they faced, whatever internal discouragement they felt or whatever external pressures they felt, that if they have a dream they must follow it no matter what. {click to tweet}

He said that whatever your aspiration or dream, there will be times when you encounter what feel like insurmountable hurdles. Every business, every new idea has faced these challenges.

“You must keep going,” he said, “Believe that you can overcome the problems you are facing.” This might be in your school work, your social life, your growing up, your emotional health, home life, thoughts for your future.

He urged the boys to create and picture their dream as strongly as possible. To visual it, to feel it, to get a sense of it as strongly as possible. To put it out there, to follow and chase every lead. And importantly to trust and know that what you put out will come back to you. It can’t not!

As with all great inspiring teachers my son felt he was speaking directly to him. There’s been a lot going on in our lives of late and my son has managed all this with extraordinary resilience and open-mindedness. New home, new school, new friends, new area, a lot in one go. Listening to Maithri he fully understood that we are all unique. Comparison with others is pointless. There will always be someone, who in our eyes is more intelligent, better connected, more socially at ease than us.

He encouraged the boys to understand that people and friends may discourage you (everyone seems to know what’s best for us) they will offer suggestions on what might be the better or safer option. Thank them for the advice and trust your own judgment anyway.

And this is where I got very excited! He also spoke about alignment. We might feel on our own and isolated at times, that no one knows what we’re going through or that we don’t have the resources to accomplish our dream alone. He spoke to them about aligning their personal dream with a larger community ideology. We are all in this together. No one is alone we are all connected.

So what can we do everyday to send these same messages to our children and the young people around us?

Listen to the Words in your Head

self talk internal dialogueI’ve got a question for you, it’s something that comes up time and again with clients and I’m curious to know your response. Did I mention it’s something I would do well to ask myself as well?

Would you speak to your best friend (that’s your BFF) the way you speak to yourself?

Well, do you? Hmmm, no I didn’t think so.

We all speak to ourselves, every single one of us. There is no getting away from the internal chatter. For some it’s a constant stream of dialogue (myself included). For others it’s just at times of high stress.

If we could stop for one moment and be aware of the impact of our internal dialogue it would be a revelation.  twitter-bird

Perhaps that’s something you could commit to doing today (a week would be even better). Would you allow yourself to speak to a loved one – think a child or a best friend, or even your partner the way you sometimes/all the time speak to yourself. You see I’m making a huge assumption here that your self talk is not ideal. Can you, hand on heart, say that your language towards yourself is loving and nurturing and kind? Well, is it? I’d love to write down some of the things I’ve heard clients say about themselves, sometimes under their breathe and read it back to them.

How we speak to ourselves has a  very real and powerful effect on our self esteem. Over the years we might simply have got into the habit of speaking to ourselves in a negative way. I bet you’re not even aware of it most of the time. Asking clients, and myself this question “would I speak to my best friend the way I speak to myself” usually elicits quite a reaction. Of course they/I wouldn’t. We’d have no friends if we did! So why is it acceptable to speak to ourselves the same way?

Another question worth asking when we’re feeling less than at our best is, “what would I suggest to a dear friend right now? Would I tell herself to pull herself together or would I put a loving arm around here and tell her to look after herself and let her know I’m here to support her?”…..same goes for us my friends.

So let’s assume that you might want to make some changes and ease up on the negative self talk.

Notice and acknowledge your negative internal dialogue without judging it – by paying attention to it we will naturally loosen its grip.

Notice patterns – make a note of them. Does your negative self talk happen at certain times of day or times of the week. Does it happen ?

Question the facts! – “I’m rubbish at everything”…..really? Is that true? I doubt it very much!

Turn down the volume – I bet those negative words aren’t said in a quiet, gentle voice are they? I bet they are LOUD AND SHOUTY! 

Replace the negative with something affirming –  “you’ve got to accentuate the positive!”. This may well be very difficult after years of self abuse so go gently. Say something that you can believe. “I’m amazing at everything” is not something you’ll instantly believe, so what could you say that is believable?

One day at a time –  change won’t happen overnight and there will be times when you forget and end up berating yourself yet again. The moment you recognise this, stop, breath, imagine you’re your best friend and say something positive. No judging remember!

Let me know how you get on, will you?


Raw and Real

photo-31There are times that life is a hard struggle and right now is one of them. I get overwhelmed with the persistent, jabbering, all consuming thoughts in my head and I’m exhausted. Utterly exhausted. I make up stories that have absolutely no basis in fact yet are totally real in my head. I can believe utter nonsense to my core and it terrifies me. I can tell myself the most outrageous lies and believe them. These are my demons. Please tell me that I’m not the only one? There are times that my dear, sweet man looks at me in utter disbelief at what inner world I have the capacity to create. And an inner world that I totally believe.

We all go through these painful times I believe, it’s just that many of us don’t admit it out loud and here I’m shouting it out loud as I press publish on this blog. {click to tweet}

I was talking with a client this morning about noticing when it is we head off down the path we know will lead to despair. We’re often unaware until the moment has passed, sometimes this moment is 5 minutes after we’ve said or done something we wish we hadn’t. Sometimes it can be hours or even days. Dear Lord, please let it not be weeks. Having some sort of trigger to warn us before the event would be helpful…it’s something that takes practice.

The moment we realise where we are heading this is time to look after ourselves and for me this is absolutely vital –  I don’t do it often enough, as I’m much more likely to be bashing myself and judging myself. This post then is being written in case it offers you hope and support and importantly it’s being written for me as a reminder of the things I need and must do to bring me out of the hole I find myself in.

Exercise – whatever that is. At the moment I’m running again – following a long standing stress induced injury I was unable to run without pain. Now rather bizarrely I’m enjoying it. So getting out every other day is vital for my health and sanity.

Meditation – daily – I’m no saint and there are days and sometimes weeks that I get out of the habit and then it’s forgotten and then I wonder why I feel at odds and it’s because I’ve not made the time for it, believing I don’t have the time….and so it goes on. Meditation soothes me.

Music – every time it is Curtis Mayfield who comes to my rescue. I don’t know what it is about his voice and his lyrics but I cry and am cleansed and uplifted.

Friends – I am a sociable animal, my work life as a writer and a coach can be solitary and long term isolation is not good for me. I need people.

Being creative in a different way – keeping away from my keyboard and perhaps taking out my sewing machine or my knitting needles. A dear friend and I have a question we always ask each other when we sense the other is not good. What have you created recently? What are you working on?

Reading – sometimes I need to drown out the noise, the constant chattering in my head with something else. I love the escapism of reading fiction and finding myself absorbed in another’s life is my respite.

Trust – working with a client this week we spoke about her tough times and I shared with her my mantra, the words I keep close to me at all times  ….know deep down that this too will pass. I imagine a candle alight somewhere  guiding me through.

Journal – write, write, write, even though it’s painful and stilted and makes no sense or is repetition of whatever crap is going around in your head. From someone who never ever wrote a thing since leaving full time education in 1985 until I began writing in 2007 I can only tell you of the enormous benefit in doing so. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone, not even to you. Write it and be done. Even if you’ve never written a word in a journal before for fear of performance anxiety and getting it right. Get over yourself and write. Nobody has to read it, not even you, you can tear it up and burn it if you wish just get the damn thing out of your head and onto paper or a word doc.

Physical work – something you can do with energy – for me it’s cleaning. I don’t really enjoy it but it gets me into a sweat, I play loud music and scrub and scrub and scrub. It’s cathartic and I feel cleansed afterwards and happy that my home is clean and tidy.

Cook – I have a tendency to forget to eat when the demons are in my head. I realise late in the day that my stomach is rumbling. So I cook. I bake bread or I bake a cake. Nurturing my physical body is nurturing my emotional being.

And then it passes. There is always sun after the rain.

ps….it has a lot to do with the full moon too!






The Marriage Box

Marriage BoxI came across this the other day and wanted to share it with you.  I believe these are wise words and can apply to all relationships we are in whether romantic, familial or business. Just tweak the words to suit the relationship!

Do we start new relationships and friendships believing in this myth that the box is already full? Or with age do we realise and appreciate that all interactions with others require effort?

Someone once said to me in response to me saying I was lucky to have such good relationships with my children  – luck is spelled W O R K. I liked that. It’s true. Nothing happens by itself and if we are prepared to work at the things that bug us rather than using them as the wedge that keeps us apart then we will find blessings.

Do we develop the art of giving, loving, serving and praising? Imagine a relationship infused with these things.  I remember writing and speaking about raising children and was asked what my values were. I believe that we must behave in a manner in which we wish to be treated. If we want to be shown respect then we must respect first. If we want to be shown trust then we must trust first. If we want to be spoken to kindly then we must do so first. Yes, in the tough relationships in our life this will be a challenge, I admit that!  But in the words of a lawyer I once spoke to ‘it only takes one person to act with dignity’. Let that person be you (and me).

I vow to look for the best in relationships. I vow to give, to love, to serve and to praise and know that I will get that in return.


The Importance of Self Nurture

photo-30I’ve just been for a pedicure. Some of you might be saying ‘yes….and so?’, others might be thinking ‘how extravagant’. I’m thinking self nurture. It cost me £30 and lasted around 45 minutes. The polish was shellac so I know whatever bashing into things I do the polish will look wonderful for many weeks (and probably months to come). I could have spent that £30 on other things – food shopping, money towards the gas bill but I chose to spend it on myself in what is for me one of the most luxurious beauty treatments. I could have done it myself (and most of the time I do) however, it never ever looks the way the girls at the nail bar do it (does it?!)

This was pure self nurture. I sat in my own little world having chosen my polish. Barely a word was exchanged between me and the technician. Her instructions were simply hand gestures. I was being looked after, my feet scrubbed and massaged, nails trimmed and shaped and then expertly polished.

There would have been a time when I wouldn’t have done this. It would have been too expensive, or too self indulgent, or too frivolous. It would have been ‘something that other women do but not me.’

It needn’t be a pedicure but I ask you to share your acts of self nurture with me. And I mean your deliberate acts of self nurture.

What do you do or could you do to show yourself how much you value and love yourself?


Your Dream Doesn’t Have an Expiration Date.

IMG_7244Midlife is a time of great awakening if we allow ourselves to believe so. I’m not sure how many women realise this. I think too many are on the treadmill of life and don’t stop to look up and breath let alone stop to smell the roses.

Let this be the sign (that picture over on the right) that perhaps you didn’t even know you were looking for!

How many dreams have been put on the back burner? How many delicious plans did you have when you were in your 20s or 30s?

I keep a journal and every couple of months I set aside some time to write my ‘I dream of…’ pages. I write in the present tense which keeps the focus in the here and now. It excites me and inspires me to do this. I write down some wild and outrageous dreams as well as some much more seemingly reasonable ones. It opens my mind. It widens my horizons. When I do this I let go off all the thoughts and doubts and fears that hold me back. It frees my thinking. It’s like playing make believe as a child…..except I’m much wiser now and know that the things I focus on, the dreams I keep uppermost in my mind are much more likely to happen because I’m going to work towards them (NB this works for negative thinking too so beware!!)

Diana Nyad swimmer and journalist is audacious, she is fierce and an incredibly resilient woman. She lives life in a bold way. I have watched the talk she gave at the TED conference many times and each time it lifts me up. She swam from Cuba to Florida at the age of 64. Nobody had ever done it. Nobody had ever come close, she had tried a number of times. She continued to dream despite failing.

Find a way’ is her mantra for living. So perhaps we can use that if what we truly believe in the dreams we write about.


Making Every Day Count

IMG_7161Why is it that for most of us it’s not until a crisis occurs that we make changes to our lives? Do we honestly believe we are Peter Pan living in Never Never Land? Why do we never face our mortality until we’re looking at it face to face or we live with someone who is or a parent or friend is having to face the inevitable until we confront it?

Why is it we muddle along in a career that is unsatisfying and frankly draining the very life out of us complaining day in and day out but not doing anything about it? Why is it that it’s when redundancy looms that we are only then able to sit up and make the changes our life so desperately needs?

Our time is limited, and by the time we’ve reached midlife we’ve in all likelihood got less than half our life ahead.

And yet we live as if our lives are never ending. We don’t make each day count. We hurtle through each day aching with tiredness, one week blurring into the next.

Actively practising mindfulness has made a huge difference to my life. Appreciating that my thoughts create my reality and not the other way round has helped me realise that healing my thoughts is an inside job, it’s my stuff to get straight. 

Some thoughts on making every day count.

Choose your thoughts – stop and notice when your thoughts are running away with themselves. Change the soundtrack.

Spend time being mindful – and that means hanging out the washing thoughtfully. Try it. Shower with care, feel the water on your body. Enjoy the sensual sensation. It means making a ritual out of the mundane.

Will this matter in 3 years time? – whatever you’re stressing about today, whatever is occupying your waking hours, whatever seems like an insurmountable problem right now….ask yourself if it’s even going to feature in your thoughts in a few years time? Get some perspective.

What’s really important? – being OCD house proud or spending an afternoon in an art gallery with a friend. Working extra hours resentfully or watching the football with your son/grandson? Of course we all have commitments but make sure you’re doing things that makes your heart sing as well.


Regret is a terrible thing.

Uh Hello…I’m Over Here

hello i'm over here rebecca perkins ecourse

You know I’m tired and fed up and sad of reading about women in midlife feeling that they have become invisible. They say they walk into a room and nobody notices them. I hear stories of lack of confidence and low self esteem, of women telling me they feel they no longer have any value in the world.

This makes my heart break. I so long for you to feel valued, confident, respected, in your groove, alive and vibrant once again.

So, I’m creating something just for you! It’s called Uh Hello.Im Over Here! It’s a 4 week e-course for ALL women in midlife who are looking for a bit of a shake up!

So what’s it all about?

On the surface? It’s about taking practical steps to guiding you out of the shadows and becoming visible in midlife. 

But really? Oh it’s about understanding, embracing and appreciating who you are now and how you want to be. It’s about loving the woman I know you are. It’s about celebrating midlife. It’s about making choices. And above all it’s about love.

It’s designed for women who have self doubt, who feel undervalued, who feel invisible. It’s for women who know there is so much more to life than they currently feel. It’s for those women who are ready to explore.

By the end of the 4 week e-course, you will understand yourself more, you will have begun to take steps towards a future you can be excited about. You will be braver and more courageous, you will stand taller and you will most certainly have begun to be VISIBLE!

The course will come to you in weekly emails. Using my experience as a coach I’ll be giving you lots of practical tips and exercises as well as heaps of questions to ask yourself. There will be short videos and audios as well as a workbook to complete each week.

Right now what I’d love you to do is sign up here so that you are the very first to hear about the course when it’s launched. I’d also love you to share this with all your midlife friends too – the ones who are looking around for something to help them make the changes they so desperately want to make.

As a thank you for signing up and sharing you’ll get 25% discount off the course

I’m so excited about creating this for you because I really believe that it’s time for us to stand out and be noticed for the fabulous women we are. Don’t you? Go out and buy yourself a beautiful notebook, sign up here and get ready for the start of an awfully big adventure for your midlife!

It all begins later this summer! Will you be ready? Can’t wait!

With love always,
Rebecca x