How to Let Go of Fear and Lean Into Love

Love and Fear Marianne Williamson, one of my favourite authors says  in A Return to Love that we live either in fear or in love. She says that love is to fear what light is to darkness. You turn on a light to get rid of darkness and in the same way you turn up love to diminish fear.

Fear has shown up in my life as depression, low self esteem, lack of self worth, sadness, shame, lack of confidence, comparison, resentment, illness, regret.

Love shows up in my life as generosity, kindness, confidence, courage, open-heartedness, non-judgment, purpose, wellbeing, enthusiasm, hopefulness, joy, passion, forgiveness.

Fear keeps us living small lives. We were not meant to live small lives. We all have exceptional gifts to offer the world, we owe it to ourselves and those around us to live in love.

We move from fear to love each time we acknowledge the fear, face it and walk towards it. Fear doesn’t go away, we have to work with it, move it, confront it, challenge it and take it by the hand, sometimes kicking and screaming.

How does that relate to your world and your life?

Here are the some of the fears I’ve faced over the recent years.

  • Starting my business…why would anyone read my book or come to me for coaching or attend one of my workshops? Who do I think I am?
  • Ended my marriage…could I cope on my own, what if I’d listened to the other voices that told me I’d be no good on my own?
  • My daughter’s illness…what if the unthinkable happened?
  • Being interviewed on live radio? What if I dried up?

Here are other ways we face up to our fear that will perhaps resonate with you…

  • asking for help
  • seeking forgiveness
  • standing up for ourselves and setting boundaries
  • dating again
  • applying for a new job
  • booking that appointment with the doctor
  • confronting a bully

All these demand love, especially of ourselves and a walking through fear.

One of my greatest joys is seeing women come alive again. I love seeing them see possibility for their lives when before they’ve only seen fear. I love to see the reemergence  of the woman they were and know themselves to be deep down. I love to see them making strides out of love for themselves.

Here’s what I’ve learned about letting go of fear and leaning into love

  • Fear just gets bigger the more we ignore it
  • Fear gives me mouth ulcers and headaches
  • I’m worthy of being loved
  • Letting go of fear is the daily practice of becoming bold
  • Releasing fear means I get to be authentically me
  • Yes, there’s always resistance, there’s always an internal conversation
  • Turn the focus towards what I’ll be giving up by not letting go of the fear

Where do you go to reconnect?

How to Beat a Midlife Crisis

design-22The words themselves raise our anxiety levels don’t they? The stereotypical middle aged man buying and riding the motorbike he couldn’t afford when he was a 20-something. The woman terrified of aging resorting to Botox to boost her confidence.

I see a ‘midlife crisis’ as a time when we realize that life is finite. It’s often something that does indeed follow a ‘crisis’ in our lives. We might have faced redundancy, have seen a younger colleague promoted over us. We might be dealing with the emotions of an empty nest, a divorce or ending of a long relationship. We might be facing illness or the loss of someone close to us. It might be the menopause or looking in the mirror and not recognizing the woman staring back at us. These are some of the issues we may be dealing with at this time of transition in our lives.

We react in different ways to this ‘crisis’. Yes, some go off and defiantly attempt to fend off the aging process with new toys or medical interventions. Many sail through this time unscathed.

I see this time as a wakeup call. It’s a time to wake up to life, to realize that, yes, there is perhaps more life behind us that in front of us and it’s time to face up to it. Do we really want to cling on for dear life to our youthful past, spending our time regretting or revisiting old memories or do we want to embrace the second half of life and live it fully?

I’m against the word anti-aging … aging is part of life. Let’s rather be pro-aging instead. Pro-aging is not about letting ourselves go. Quite the opposite in fact. It’s about fully embracing the life we have and making every day count.

The quickest way to age is to be miserable. Wishing that we were younger, regretting the passing of time is a sure way of accelerating the aging process. To age dynamically is to enjoy life, all that we’ve learned and gained along the path to midlife. It’s simply a new phase of life.

How to deal with a midlife crisis:

  • Face it — don’t hide from the fact that you’re half way through.
  • Spend some time in self-reflection or get the help of a coach or a counsellor.
  • Don’t wait for a ‘crisis’ to happen. Make changes in your life today.
  • Do something different because doing the same thing every day won’t get you different results.
  • Get outside. We get a different perspective on a problem when we’re outdoors in a big landscape.
  • Reframe the ‘crisis’ to an awakening — this is about a renaissance.
  • What are the positives you can take from this time of life? Wisdom, experience, knowledge only come with age.
  • If you find yourself saying, “Is this all there is?” Ask instead, “what am I prepared to change?”
  • If you feel you might be depressed, make an appointment with your doctor or book up some counseling.
  • Be a part of something that’s bigger than you.
  • Turn the negatives around by looking at life in a different way.
  • Do something that will take you outside of yourself.
  • Let go of all that’s holding you back or no longer serves you in life — it just takes for you to decide you want to do or be different.
  • Remember that life is a privilege, and that there are many who don’t get to have an old age.
  • Live life by my motto: If not now, when?

How to Let Go of Fear and Learn to Trust Again

We’ve all been hurt at some point in our lives and I’m guessing that you are no different. You’re reading this because you’re probably midlife, either been married or in a long-term relationship and are starting over once more. Whether you are divorced or in the process of divorcing you are no doubt scarred in some way.holding hands beach

We are at our most vulnerable when we’ve been through divorce and our urge is to run away from pain. 

What are our deepest fears?

“How can I trust anyone again?” is a question I get asked a lot in my coaching.

Ernest Hemingway said, “the best way to find out if you can trust anybody is to trust them.” There is no magic wand to suddenly allow you to trust again. The only way to trust again is to grab hold of our fear and work through it. It’s completely normal to feel fear. The fear of rejection, fear of getting it wrong, fear of being laughed at, fear of the unknown, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of losing something of ourselves. We can allow fear and the idea that we’re protecting ourselves from pain to run our lives or we can put our big knickers on and decide that whatever happens we’ll cope.

We are resilient and even though we were badly hurt, it is just our ego. Our ego doesn’t like the fact that we were humiliated, abandoned, betrayed, made a fool of or rejected. This doesn’t make us who we are, it needn’t affect our identity.

Take baby steps day by day to become more open and trusting. Start with trusting in the little things.

Think of your pain and fear as a cut on your hand. The more you pick at it and scratch it the longer it will take to heal. If you can leave it alone and let it heal naturally it will barely scar.

Yes, we can avoid being hurt by staying well clear of any relationships, romantic or otherwise. Is that a price worth paying?

I don’t believe that we should expect others to earn our trust. We learn to trust again by trusting again. Trust is something that is worked on daily in a relationship. It’s not a case of once we trust someone we can sit back and breathe a sigh of relief, we trust on a daily basis. We communicate, we work through hurt and slights, we all have moods and bad days.

Jump in.

We trust someone by saying we understand that deep down they are a good person with good intentions and with integrity. They forgot to pick up bread on the way home … does that mean you don’t trust them again to do something for you? They didn’t phone when they said they would? Did you stop long enough to find out what was going on for them that evening or do you jump to conclusions?

What are you resisting? Are you living your current relationship or even imagining a relationship where you’re living through your past negative experiences or are you open enough to be vulnerable and trust again.

We appreciate that at times things will be tough. That’s life and we will be tested. However, remember at all times that your emotional wellbeing is not down to someone else, it’s down to you. You can choose to live life drawing on negative or positive life experiences. Your past does not have to be the same as your future. Because you’ve been hurt once doesn’t mean that it has to happen again.

What you spend most of your time thinking about becomes your reality … are you focusing on the fact that it’s hard to trust someone? If it keeps happening to you, stop and look at the patterns. What are you doing to choose the same type of person?

How to overcome the fear of rejection

Love yourself first and foremost. This is so important and yet so many believe that entrusting or expecting the love of others is more important. We have to make ourselves the most important person in our lives. Knowing that whatever happens we are ok and we are loved (by ourselves). Loving us is not the job of another, it’s our job. And I mean unconditional love, i.e. whether we’re our ideal weight, whether we lazed in bed, whether we didn’t make it to the gym, whether we said something unkind when we were tired … all of that. Unconditional love.

Yes, of course we’re always going to be affected by rejection as it happens as part of life. We didn’t get the job we wanted, the house we were going for falls through, we weren’t selected for the sports team, we have a falling out with a friend. All of this is rejection and we don’t let it stop us from applying for another job, or picking up the phone to chat to the friend or looking for an even better house. Yet many of us use this fear to stop us falling in love again.

Use rejection as the springboard to find out more about yourself, what you learned, why you feel the way you do, what you’re allowing to get in the way, where you’re perhaps sabotaging yourself. Use it to explore your values and what you really want in life.

Rejection isn’t the end of the world. Nobody dies. I know that sounds harsh when you’re facing an ending that you weren’t expecting. I know, I was rejected and it sucked hugely … yet what I learned as a result was life transforming. I wrote a book, I carved out a niche in my career and none of that would have come about without that initial rejection.

What story do you want to tell and believe? Relationships are wonderful opportunities to learn.

Pain is part of being human … suffering is optional.

First published on Huffington Post.

8 Ways to Stop the Past From Ruining the Present

IMG_2900The past has a strong hold over many of us and yet at the same time we long to be free of it. Each time we relive the past in our thoughts we keep it alive even though it’s extremely painful. It might be a recent communication from an ex that reminds us of the power they once had over us. It might be the knowledge that we behaved badly, we said something to someone we later regretted. It might be that a once dear friend hurt us deeply and we just can’t move forward from it.

Here’s the thing — whatever happened is in the past. It can’t be changed. It’s over. That’s the logical bit.

There is absolutely nothing that can be done to change what happened in the past except one thing — forgiveness. Yes, it’s a monumental ask. I know that. However, forgiveness does bring us peace. If we can forgive ourselves for something we did in the past we give ourselves the chance to let go and focus on our lives in the present. It frees us from the hold the past has over us.

Forgiving someone else for a past hurt is harder and more complicated. By forgiving them we’re not saying that what they did was okay or that we’re accepting their behavior. However, forgiving allows us to concentrate on our present living. Forgiveness frees us from the hold that they have over us. Living with these toxic thoughts poisons our health, our outlook and our future relationships.

If reliving the hurt is painful, then why do we continue to do it? Why do we choose to hang out somewhere so damaging and with thoughts we can’t change? Learn instead to focus on what you can change. Take some time for self-reflection, looking inward to what you can change within your own heart.

Here are some ways for you to let go of the past.

  • Do something for someone else, let go of your ego. When we focus on another and truly help them, we allow for growth in our own lives. Instead of thinking what’s in it for me, let go and focus on kindness and compassion towards another. Random acts of kindness is such a powerful place to begin.
  • Acknowledge the pain you felt. Yes, it hurt. Yes, you felt ashamed. Acknowledge the emotions that you feel right now. I always suggest with clients to name the emotion they’re feeling whatever that might be — anger, sadness, frustration, confusion. Once it’s out there, rather than doing the constant loop in our heads, we can begin to make sense of it.
  • Accept and learn the lesson. Acceptance is the first step towards forgiveness. It’s difficult when we’ve never done it before, and our ego and pride are involved, but now is the time to gently ask them to do the right thing and that’s to allow for acceptance and forgiveness.
  • Imagine how different your future could be. What would tomorrow look like if you let go of the past today? It’s beautiful to think that it could be different and knowing that you have the ability to make the changes you need to make in your life to allow this freedom.
  • Tune into your self-talk. How are you speaking to yourself? Do you spend your time speaking negatively to yourself? Is this how you’d speak to a friend who was in need of compassion? I doubt it! Yet we continue to badmouth ourselves, and you really don’t deserve that.
  • How is staying stuck serving you? Are you getting some sort of kick out of it? Staying in the past, focusing on something you did or another did to you? Don’t be the victim in this any longer. You are so much better than that.
  • Make the decision to let it go. The thoughts in our heads are of our own making. We can choose to let them go and sometimes it’s as simple as that. Make the commitment to yourself, and write it all down if that helps to move it on. Work with a coach to guide you forwards. You have a choice, and no one but you is keeping you trapped in the past.
  • Live in the now and look for the joy in the present moment. The sun shining, a good cup of coffee, a conversation, a kind gesture from a stranger. Begin a gratitude journal either in writing or take a daily photograph that reminds you of the glory around us.

Let me know how you get on.

This blog first appeared on The Huffington Post

Why Midlife is the Best Time for Dating

If you pay much attention to the media then you’d be absolutely right to think that dating in midlife is something to steer well clear of, that it’s something to be ignored and avoided at all costs. Not a week goes by without some new midlife dating calamity hitting the weekend papers or online blogs. STOP! Sadly people love reading about others misfortunes, it’s part of the human condition.holding hands

I’m a firm believer in midlife being a time of renewal, it’s a time to take stock and look back and appreciate how far we’ve come, all we’ve faced, all we’ve achieved, and all the lessons we’ve learned. It’s a time to realise that our experience has given us a depth of wisdom that is only possible with age. It is this wisdom that makes midlife dating the best time to date.

  • Many of us will have experienced the ending of a long term relationship, we might have experienced the emotional upheaval of divorce. By now we have a pretty clear idea of what a good relationship needs to look and feel like for us because we know what it feels like when it doesn’t work. This is a good place to start.
  • We know our values and what’s important in our lives. As a result we are much more confident in what we are looking for in a relationship. We know the deal breakers. We know what we won’t tolerate in a relationship. When we hear alarm bells we know that it’s time to call it a day.
  • We are happy with our own company.  We’ve learned to spend time on our own, to enjoy the solitude. It’s vital to get to this point. A successful relationship in midlife is one with two independent individual and not one of clingy needy desperation!
  • Midlife is such a rich time in our lives. For many of us we’ve raised our families or at least they are well on their way to independence. There is now real time for us and the satisfying of our needs. Beginning a relationship at this point in our lives is very fulfilling, we have more time to spend doing the things we like to do and to do them on our terms.
  • We have full lives generally whether that’s with work, hobbies, friends or a good combination of them all. When we have a full life we find we’re not looking for a relationship to fill a hole in our lives, but rather to enhance an already good life.
  • We’re wise. We realise and appreciate that the love we’re looking for now is a deeper love, a friendship and companionship,  something that is deeply rewarding.
  • Sex in midlife is great! We no longer worry about pregnancy, we are more at ease with ourselves generally, we know what we want and are often more open minded. Yes, it can be terrifying the first time we have sex again, however, once that fear passes we find we are more comfortable in our own skin, there is less performance anxiety, there is more laughter.
  • We become better judges of a good match. We won’t put up with nonsense. We can be selective knowing that a partner does not define us. We are whole human beings leading full and interesting lives. A partner simply enhances all this.

This post first appeared on eHarmonyUK

Anti-Resolution Resolutions!

writing imageYes, it’s that time of year and the internet is filled with people beginning to talk about their New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t know about you but my heart sinks. I’ve ALWAYS struggled with making and keeping resolutions. I’ve always felt that I’m setting myself up to fail each and every year. I’ve never felt inspired or motivated by them. And, you’ve guessed it, they never lasted beyond January! I’m sure I’m not the only one!

I’ve come to realise that resolutions will only work and I mean only ever work when there’s passion involved. You need to know how achieving this resolution is going to make you feel. Really, really feel right down to your bones. For resolutions to succeed they need to give you tingles, they need to fill you with passion and make you a little breathless with excitement. Seriously! So, a resolution of say, ‘going to the gym 3 x per week’ just doesn’t do it for me! I need to know how I’m going to feel 6 months down the line when I’ve succeeded. I need to know how it’s going to make me feel about myself. I need to really feel it. I need to know how being fit and healthy and committed and proud of myself is going to make me feel.

A straw poll amongst friends suggests that most resolutions fail by the end of February and some never even make it past January 1st. And why is this?

  • because some are way too ambitious
  • because let’s be honest, some you don’t actually want – it’s just that you feel you ought to want them or worse, somebody else thinks you ought to!
  • because some are simply much too vague
  • because they’re the ones you put on your list every year
  • because there are just too many of them
  • because some may involve someone else’s commitment too
  • …etc

Writing out your ‘resolutions’ must fill you with joy! Are you sitting there writing them saying, ‘yes, yes, yes, these are so inspiring’ or are you sitting there, shoulders hunched thinking, ‘oh crap here we go again, why do I even bother?’ If any of this feels arduous or soul sucking in anyway believe me you’re never going to keep to them.

How about we change the word ‘resolution’, it’s loaded with meaning isn’t it. It feels somewhat do or die don’t you think? There’s no space for grey is there – you either succeed or you fail. And life’s just not like that. How about using the word intention, or commitment or aim? Which one of those grabs you?

Let’s flip it and create instead a ‘stop doing’ list? What will you commit to stop doing next year? Here are some of my thoughts…

  • I intend to stop overcommitting
  • I aim to stop worrying about things that are never going to happen
  • I commit to stop stressing over stuff over which I have no control
  • I’m determined to stop catastrophising!
  • My intention is to stop judging yourself
  • I am committed to stopping persistent self sabotage

Don’t those feel so much better? Aren’t they things we can work towards, step by step?

Or how about this idea? Instead of taking stuff out of your life which so often feels like a punishment what would you like to add into your life?

  • A daily walk to work – even if you work from home
  • A gratitude journal – noticing the tiny things that make you smile
  • An extra glass of water a day
  • An extra piece of fruit or serving of salad

If, however, you’re going to insist on making resolutions then make sure you ask yourself this question…’what will achieving that resolution do for me?’ Let’s say you’re planning on entering an Iron Man competition (no I’m not!) ask yourself ‘what will competing in an Iron Man do for me?’ Is it about fitness, competition, resilience, proving something to yourself, determination? Keep digging around until you get to the answer that gives you goosebumps! That will be the reason you stick at it!

How would you like to work with me as your inspiration buddy helping you keep up with your intentions/commitments/resolutions?

A weekly text message? A weekly 10 minute phone call? A monthly kick-ass session? A week day reminder of your commitment? Or something specifically tailored to your needs?

How hungry are you for this year to be different? What will you life be like in December 2016 if you begin making the changes now? Give me a call on 07928 545247 or drop me a line to info@rebperkins.com and tell me what changes you’re committed to making in the next 12 months.

An Invitation To Rewrite The Script To Midlife…Will You Join Me?

ARE YOU READY TO REWRITE THE SCRIPT TO MIDLIFE?

Hello!

I’m absolutely thrilled to announce a new workshop, following the fantastic feedback and success of my last one (see below). It’ll be the first in a series taking place in 2016 and I wanted you to be the first to know about it.

So here it is…

Midlife Reinvention: Re-writing the script for your midlife 

How are you feeling about midlife? Honestly? Do you see it as being all downhill from here or as an exciting new chapter in life? Do you see problems ahead or new possibilities? Do you fear a midlife crisis or the chance to finally blossom?

“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was greater than the risk it took to blossom.” ~Anais NinIrresistible Dating Profile

How would you like to share my home for a few hours with some like-minded midlife women who also want to explore where they find themselves in life?

Here’s a brief outline of what you can expect (to whet your appetite!)

Looking back… What are the major milestones that have brought you to where you are today? It’s true your past has shaped you into the women you are today. Some of that you’ll be happy with, some you’d probably wish you could change. The thing is, we don’t need to allow our past to define us.

Considering the now… How are you living your life today? What are your immediate thoughts when you wake? How’s your general sense of wellbeing? How are you showing up in life right now?

And the future… What about the second half of your life? What do you believe is possible? What if midlife were simply the start of a new chapter in life, the time to follow a new path? How would you choose to live knowing this?

I really am so excited about this! We’ll be writing, talking, sharing stories, and exploring what midlife means to us. We’ll laugh, eat homemade cake and drink coffee and tea, we may even shed a few tears along the way.

So, what do you say? Are you ready to rewrite the script? Are you ready to explore?

Date: Saturday 12th March 2016

Time: 10am til 1pm 

Where: my home, Watford, Hertfordshire

Cost: £50 early bird if booked by 21st December and rising to £55!

The next step is very simple…

All you need to do is drop me an email (info@rebperkins.com) with the words, “YES, please reserve my place!” I’ll then send you more details and how to guarantee your seat at my dining room table.

Here are a couple of testimonials from previous workshops

“I signed up for Rebecca’s workshop because I love her happy energy.  She’d attracted an interesting group of women and created a trusting atmosphere in her lovely home quite effortlessly, freeing us up quickly.  Don’t expect to have to follow any rules! If I had to choose one word, it would be ‘generous’…and ‘fun’.”

“I travelled to Rebecca’s workshop with feelings of slight trepidation and nervousness, not really knowing what to expect.  I left feeling as if I’d been amongst old friends.  I quickly relaxed, was motivated, and able, thanks to Rebecca’s skilled prompting and sensitivity, to express myself in a way I’ve not done before. It was an extremely positive experience for me, and one I treasure.”

So hoping you’ll join me.

​Rebecca x

p.s. There are limited places available. If this interests you please don’t wait, reply straight away.

5 Steps to Thriving After Divorce

Be braveLet’s be brutally honest here, there is nothing pleasant about divorce. It’s about endings, rupture, disunion. It brings up feelings of sadness, pain, anger, fear. The words I uttered the day I stood in my kitchen, “I want a divorce” still turn my stomach so violent is the power of them.

Divorce very often brings out the worst in people. Wounds need licking, feelings boil over, years of anger and resentment surface, all real human feelings that come to the fore when we are in fight or flight mode and battling for what we believe is rightfully ours.

We can let divorce become our story, we can become the victim — if we choose. Or we can choose something else entirely. We can choose to move beyond the pain and the grief and the anger and live a life thriving beyond that. We can learn from our divorce rather than let it define us.

“I’m stepping out into the great unknown; I’m feeling wings though I’ve never flown.” Joss Stone

So, what does it mean to thrive after divorce?

I knew I wanted to have a renewed vigour for life. I wanted to be excited about each day and get my mojo back. I wanted to believe and trust in myself and my abilities to support my family. Thriving after divorce for me meant nourishing my body, mind and soul. It was about seeing possibilities rather than problems. It was about risking more and stepping outside of my comfort zone. It was about growth, respecting myself and living authentically.

So what did I do? How did I get to this place of thriving?

I learned some life lessons, some keys steps that took me from a very difficult place to one where I was finally at peace and content with my life. They are not hard and fast rules, they are my stages, the agreements I made with myself. Take from them what resonates with you, chuck the rest. I hope it enables you to be curious about your own life, to get thinking about how you can move your life forward. If you can work with a coach, you will find it invaluable. A coach will hold you accountable to your resolution and commitment to move your life forward.

“At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~ Christine Mason Miller

5 Steps to Thriving after Divorce

Acceptance: Accept the situation that you’re in. You are divorced or in the process of divorcing. No amount of wishing things were different will change that. It only holds you back. When you accept, then you can begin to make positive changes in your life.

Courage: Sometimes it means being battle ready, sometimes courage is simply asking for help and support. It takes courage to stand on your own two feet and begin believing in yourself.

Clarity: Begin to create a picture for the life you want after divorce. What do you want? What does it look like? How do you want to feel? Clarity often begins with knowing what we no longer want in our lives and how we no longer want to feel.

Non-judgment: If we can begin to not judge ourselves, we can learn not to judge others. People usually behave badly out of fear. If we can have compassion, it goes a long way to helping us become more understanding and eventually we learn to forgive ourselves and others.

Self-responsibility: No one is responsible for your life except you. It’s time to stand up and stop blaming others. Taking full responsibility for your own life sends a powerful signal that you’re moving forward with your life.

If you need a helping hand working your way through these steps or some coaching to help you find out how to move forward after divorce give me a call on 07928 545247 and book in an introductory call.

 

This first appeared on The Huffington Post.

Flirting Isn’t Just For Kids

I’m so excited to share this guest post with you from my friend Claudia Cox of Text Weapon .  I love it and what she has to say is so true….Enjoy it and then put it into action!

By the way you can read more about Claudia at the end of the blog.

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Flirting isn’t just the domain of young lovers, little boys pulling the girls pony tails on the bus, or loved-up newly-weds, it’s something for everyone, at every age to enjoy.

Claudia Cox ImageUnfortunately it is one of those things that we easily get out of the habit of doing. And like all good habits, the less we do of it, the more uncomfortable we feel when we try – so eventually, we give up trying.

Mistake. Stop. Break this vicious cycle.

Flirting is the good stuff in life. It’s the icing on the cupcake, or the cool before the storm. It makes you feel attractive. Even better: it makes the person you are flirting with feel attractive.

Win: win, Right? Right. Then you’ll definitely agree that it’s about time you add flirting back into your adult life!

Before I get started, I probably need to define what flirting is:

Flirting is anything that you genuinely feel like doing to make someone else feel special.

It’s not groping, spamming, being fake, trying to win favors, or getting all raunchy. There are other words for that.

Now we’ve cleared that up, let’s get on with it!

Here is a simple guide on how to be a comfortable (and successful) adult flirt;

  1. Change your mindset

I’m a firm believer in visualization and the power of positive thinking. So, get rid of any personal mental images of flirting as something that is aggressive, sleazy, or needy, and start thinking of flirting as a positive interaction that makes people feel good. Start picturing yourself successfully flirting with your husband, boyfriend or the guy you are meeting for the first time. Believe that you can do it and spread your little fairy dust of flirty fun.

  1. Action cures fear

Begin slowly. If your ultimate goal is to flirt up a storm with the attractive gentleman your friend is setting you up with next Saturday, don’t wait for next Saturday to start flirting. Begin today.

Start with a smile. Smile at a stranger while looking them in the eyes. Smile at the guy behind the check out counter at the grocery store. Smile at the bus driver when you buy your ticket. Looking someone in the eyes and smiling demands more courage than you think, so it’s the best place to start getting your confidence up

Smile, and mean it. You’ll probably make their day!

  1. Ramp it up

Now that you are comfortable smiling and you’re noticing people smiling back, take another baby step: give a little something else. When you’re at the post office, say something light and fun to the handsome man behind the counter.

Like what?

Anything. Something about the weather, “It’s a cooker out there, I hope you have a hidden freezer with ice cream back there”, or, “Can’t believe it’s almost September, bet you’re already getting letters for Santa”. Say something positive and cute, and match it with a smile.

Start with low-risk situations such as this for practice, because even if you crash and burn (which everyone does! Even the pros) you have a limited amount of time with the person, and you’ll probably never see them again!

  1. Send flirty text messages

There is no better way to practice your charm and warm your partner up then sending some flirty texts before an evening out. The key is to insinuate things, rather than send texts that are overly sexual (especially if you were mostly sending grocery lists before).

Try: “I love the way your suit grips your huge shoulders” or “when I think of you I can’t stop smiling” or, “looking forward to Friday…sending you oodles of text kisses”. Yes, I know text kisses don’t exist. He knows that. But it’s cute. Be cute.

  1. Lay it on – get physical

Now you’ve mastered smiling, the flirty small talk, and you’ve set the stage for success by sending a few teasing text messages. So, what’s next?

It’s time to get physical!

When you’re finally face to face with the object of your affections, lay on your feminine charm, literally. Touch his arm gently, just on his bicep, when he speaks to you. Keep his face next to yours a split second longer than necessary when he gives you “air kisses”. Brush up against him as you move around. Cross your legs, and let them linger. If he hugs you, don’t play dead, pull him in firm and close. Use open body language whenever you’re interacting, and don’t cross your arms…these little things add up and make for a very flirty atmosphere. And the flirtiest thing you can do? Listen. Show him that he has your full, undivided attention, by never taking your eyes off him.

What did I tell you? Full-on adult flirting sans “the pony-tail pulling” is easier than you think. No manipulation. Nothing vulgar. Nothing expensive. Flirting is as simple as smiling, making light conversation, opening up your body language, sending cute text messages and listening intently.

It’s about making the other person feel a certain way: special.

 

Claudia Cox Bio:

Claudia is the creator of Text Weapon, and the author of French Seduction Made Easy. She is passionate about modern communication and loves helping people improve their relationships through creative texting. To read more by Claudia, visit Text Weapon . Don’t forget to signup for the FREE Texting Club trial with over 300 messages. You can also hit her up on Twitter

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